last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
