It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
