Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My feet surprised me
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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