My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
