I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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