I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
