I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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