Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
