She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
