I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
