someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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