You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
