do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'm really busy with my period
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