Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
