Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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