first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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