Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
