I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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