Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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