No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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