Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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