I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
