I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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