you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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