I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Swine flu is the new snow day.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
