matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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