I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
