so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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