Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
