apparently the secret to your success is patron
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
