Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
