Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
