I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
