apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
