i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
