I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
