that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
