does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
