I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
