So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm at about main and main street
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
