If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
