Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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