God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
