i would punch a child for taco bell
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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