After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
