i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
