JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
