This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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