You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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