Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
